after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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