if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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