do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
