so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
