If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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