i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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