im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Little spoons don't ask big questions
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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