yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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