Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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