"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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