When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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