Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Are we still banned from the library?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
