Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Help. Why am I so naked?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
