Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
