Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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