dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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