yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I think a kid would responsible me up
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
