Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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