We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
