i was born a porn star she said
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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