I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
