i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
