running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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