You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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