quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just had sex bonerless
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
