Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Boobs are out for the taking
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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