Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
