I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
So here I am, sexting at work.
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