in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
