she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
