as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
