My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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