I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
