Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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