your thong is hanging out like whoa
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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