I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
worst night to have a conscience
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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