Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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