What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
