you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
