What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
