he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
