he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
