i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
