I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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