Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
