i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
