This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
