so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
