i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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