I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
