the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
