I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
