Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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