dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
