evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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