Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize