I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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