So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
