I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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