last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
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