You made me cry and you don't even care
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
