So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize