im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
